Real Talk: Body Issues Revisited

While it’s not the most creative way to start a post, I want to lay out that moving forward, any posts that are titled/tagged under Real Talk on this website will likely contain sensitive topics. I will not be including a trigger warning on these posts as the topics will be varied and it can impact others in a variety of ways. I ask that you approach these posts with love and care for yourself and take your time with the things that are discussed.

I’m going to start by making myself really uncomfortable by sharing some photos of me. While I don’t think we should at all be focusing on the physical when it comes to our health, I know that it is what people can see, so it makes it a good place to start.

Let’s talk about what I physically see here. In June of 2017, I was already starting to gain weight, and I’m posting as a reference in the timeline. While my story spans a lifetime, the past three years have been the most pivotal for me. I’ll explain more as I go along.

I really want to talk about that middle image for a minute – the one from March 2019. At this point in time, I think I had gained about 40 pounds. I say I think because I stopped weighing myself at some point along the way. I also know you’ll say that 40 pounds isn’t possible and I didn’t look that much heavier, but remember people, I’m six feet tall. I carry that differently than others might, but you can/could see the heaviness on my face and in my body. By this time, I had become an expert in finding cute, flowy tops to hide myself. So much of everything I did was to hide myself.

Now that I’ve addressed the physical weight part, I’m going to tell you everything else that was going on in that body and mind at that time (and much of this I’ve already written about).

• High blood pressure
• Blood sugar imbalances
• Adrenal issues
• Thyroid issues
• Endometriosis/Hormone imbalances
• Migraines
• Chronic Fatigue
• Anxiety – this was unrelenting – all day, every day anxiety
• Unresolved trauma
• A broken, incomplete woman who had issues to heal for herself.

That woman in the middle picture is a person I don’t even recognize anymore. She was hiding behind extra weight, yes, but I see the pain in her eyes. She is unsure of herself, timid, hiding, and just trying to hope you can’t see the anxiety she feels to her very core, written all over her face. Well, I hate to break it you sister, but we all see it written all over every part of you. I can literally see the discomfort with myself and my body in my eyes and in my facial expression. This picture makes me sad because it reminds me where I’ve been.

I realize that I often start a post by asking you to go back and read another post I’ve already written. It’s super annoying, and yet, here we are again. I wrote this original post about my Body Issues in March of 2017. I think I want you to read those words because it was really the beginning of all of this. The beginning of finding myself again.

Here’s what I want you to know about what I see now in those words. I knew then that things were completely out of balance in my life. I knew that I was already at my limit – and that post I wrote then? It was me screaming that I knew something had to change with me. I look back at that post and want to laugh at myself a little bit. The notion that I had even the slightest clue what I was talking about is laughable. I’ll tell you this: when I wrote that post in March of 2017, I was ready to grit it out and bury that trauma on my own. When I wrote that post, going back to therapy wasn’t even a thought. I was saying words that I knew I meant, but didn’t actually know how to implement. I was proclaiming a healing that I hadn’t actually claimed for myself yet.

To be fair to myself, not two months later, we would lose my Dad. I’m not going to really get into that much here. I wrote a post about my grief – that again feels laughable. There are valuable words there – I was just still too fresh in the grief to know what I was talking about. Now that I am three years out from all of this, I do have a different perspective. I am going to share where I’ve been and where I’m at. I’m going to do my best to not plan where I’m going because that hasn’t worked out well for me so far.I knew in March 2017 that things were not okay with me. I didn’t even know how not okay, and then when my Dad passed away, it made everything more confusing for me.

I had already mourned the loss of my Dad years before because of the dynamics of our relationship. While I don’t think the details of my Dad’s passing are mine to share right now, what I want to convey is that the trauma of what we went through that week stirred things up in me that had nothing to do with my Dad and everything to do with me. It sent me into a tailspin that I didn’t even fully recognize until now – three years later! Even at that, every day I seem to make some new connection for myself and what I thought yesterday doesn’t necessarily ring true today. I’m realizing that this is part of the journey of becoming more fully myself and more fully healed each and every day.

So, where am I today?

• Today, I’m 30 pounds lighter (yes, I have actually weighed again), but not at all worried about that number. I’m only using that as a reference point for where I’ve been.
• Currently off blood pressure meds and it is stable on its own
• Thyroid and adrenal issues not fully resolved, but stay in balance as long as I manage my stress and work my plan.
• Blood sugar balanced and migraines are only hormone related now
• The hormone imbalances and endometriosis are ongoing issues. Let’s face it: I’m a 42 year old woman and my hormone situation isn’t changing anytime soon, but some things have resolved, some have improved and others I accept as just how they are for now
• I have a new level of energy I’ve never experienced before. Ever. Yes, I still have days where I’m tired and low energy, but compared to feeling chronically fatigued? This is amazing.
• Most days I live without anxiety. That’s not to say that I don’t have worries or concerns or live in a fairy tale. I am simply out of the grips of daily anxiety for the most part. Some days are better than others. The freedom from anxiety has allowed me to connect to myself and find new spiritual ground.
• I am actively working on healing, changing behaviors that no longer serve me, and am searching for joy in new ways.
• I am no longer an incomplete, broken woman. Am I fully healed and perfect? No, but I’m better than I was yesterday, and that’s a start. I am a new person. A new me. A whole me. A work in progress, but beautiful just as I am – inside and out.
• I’m learning how to love myself. It’s scary to say this out loud, but I’m learning how to love my body. This body is a miracle. It is powerful and I am so grateful this body is mine.

If you look at that last photo, there’s light in those eyes. There’s light shining inside me again. I am a work in progress, but when I get lost, I now have a better road map to get back to myself. I wrote in that first Body Issues post that I was tired of standing at that mountain waiting for it to move. Well, I was tired of standing at it, so I tried to carry it for two more years instead. As you might imagine, carrying the mountains we are meant to move doesn’t work so well. And yet, women do it every single day. We have to change what isn’t serving us in order to become fully ourselves and operate from a place of healing and love, so that we can move the mountains instead of carrying them.

The journey and the solution for you starts with you. I don’t know the exact right steps for each person out there, but I understand the framework. I’m going to show you what I’ve done and what I’m doing. In that, I hope you can begin to find what works for you, and I hope you’ll bring it back to our community of women. That you will share your story, your healing and your gifts with all of us.

So where did I start? Therapy. EMDR Therapy to be exact. I’ll be sharing more on this soon – what it is and how I believe it helped me heal. In the meantime, thank you for being here with me and for listening. So much more to come.

Love to all.